shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
