Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
