I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
