i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
