I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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