haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He better not be in your backpack
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
