There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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