He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Less talking, more tequila
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
