I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
