if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
