oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
