I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
