decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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