The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Shame is for Republicans.
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