She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
