He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
