Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
