my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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