you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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