Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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