Michael Bay diarrhea
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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