I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize