It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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