Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
