God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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