We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
