The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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