So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
