I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
