You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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