god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
