Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
