i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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