Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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