when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
