even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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