We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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