Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
