I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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