Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
