She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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