Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
