Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
