Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
