ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
