I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
