Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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