It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
