I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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