hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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