i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
