the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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