This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
