you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
