Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
