I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
