Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
