i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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