Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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