My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
