i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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