So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
