6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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